You gotta love a man who appreciates good wood.

There are a few things in life every girl needs: A good looking lawyer. A gay friend. And a doctor who'll write you a prescription for Ativan, because you're a nervous flyer (and a manic, menopausal, she-devil basketcase on land). 

I'd like to add a good looking, ecologically-conscious, commercial printer to my list.   

I've been soliciting business with Kirk Mock since I was a working girl at the corner of Hollis & Morris, way back in 1992. It was an advertising agency back then, but the address always made for speedy taxi arrival if working late.

Kirk is the President of family-owned Bromoc Print in Dartmouth. Aside from being a handsome hockey dad, and a good shit, Kirk gives really good service – sadly, in that boring non-sexual way. Old fashioned, deliver it to your door, and if it isn't done perfectly, we'll fix it-kind of service. 

And, if that isn't enough, Kirk's a tree hugger. No, not the sandals and socks, Birkenstock kind of tree hugger. The other kind. A "green" printer. No oxymoron intended.

Bromoc is the only printer in Atlantic Canada who can brand printed products with the FSC logo. FSC stands for Forest Stewardship Council. Those tree hugging FSC watchdogs track wood from harvest to shipping of the final product, ensuring environmental accountability. FSC certification is the only internationally-recognized program of its kind, fostering improved forest management, waste reduction, and the rejection of excessive consumption and overproduction. By choosing to print with FSC-certified products you'll save forests, protect wildlife habitat, lose weight, and keep water clean. (Just seeing if you were awake.) 

By choosing Bromoc, you are showing support for a quality, small business and giving a damn about this planet. Plus, they can print everything from business cards, to second-time-around wedding invitations, to big, fancy annual reports.

Choosing to print "green" is easy, and no more expensive than regular printing. Plus, you get the little FSC-approved logo tattooed on your ass, so everyone will love you, even if you do idle in your gas-sucking SUV out front of the school, listening to Billy Bragg, chain smoking and popping Ativan like there was no tomorrow.

But there will be a tomorrow, and with any luck, it'll be sportin' wood.    

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Bromoc Print is at 46 Payzant Avenue in Dartmouth

For a quote, or FSC paper samples: email Kirk at: kmock@bromoc.com or phone: 902.481.2704

Mirror, mirror.

Monday morning finds me checked out of the Quality Inn and Suites Airport and checked in to my stepmother's home up in Orillia, Ontario. A few more stars in this lodging, and the service is excellent.

Gone though is the view of the Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen's Club and the questionable sticky substance on the floor of Quality's elevator. Someone may have been going down. I have concluded they may rent the "suites" by the hour.

We are heading back to Halifax today. Back to school and Fitzy and the ol' routine. I love being on the road, even though thanks to technology, my work goes with me everywhere. This is a mixed blessing as there is no escape.

At the Quality Inn, there was also no escape from the grim reality that appeared every time I glanced at the mirror in the bathroom. The initial reeling back in horror, soon turned to complete gagging disgust at what was going on south of the shoulders and north of the ankle bone. My trip to the gym, clearly hadn't kicked in. Add the neon lighting that popped every fat pothole and vein to the surface and it was a depressing slap in the face.

Objects in the mirror were much larger than they appear. You couldn't even wipe your ass without thinking maybe I should switch to paper towel.

Time to bump things up a notch. Maybe I'll do the Boot Camp at the Courtyard. The instructor looks a bit like Stephen Segal. A little domination in the morning might be nice.

After all, it is Monday. A fresh start. Only a few more weeks 'til warm weather will bring the Babar sized tankini to the surface. I have work to do.

The house is still quiet. Jack is tucked in upstairs in a single bed surrounded by a stuffed bear collection and 3 baby photos hanging above his head. Mine, my brother's and Jack's. My stepmother loves him, and perhaps he looks a bit like my Dad.

My bathroom here also has a mirror, but somehow in the dimmed light of love, things don't look too bad. I have my father's thighs. I can live with that.

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

The Group of Seventeen

Imagine how the lads' eyes lit up yesterday when I suggested a post-game outing to the McMichael Gallery. “You know, The Group of Seven… Tom Thomson… anybody?”

Needless to say, moments later, my wingman Dottie and I were hurtling through time, heading north from the Quality (questionable) Inn Airport, toward Kleinburg.

For those Toronto bashers out there (and I know who you are) I invite you to accompany me on a road trip north of the concrete jungle. I bet I know every dog-legged route from Bay Street to Georgian Bay. Like a drunken crow, I fly a different way every time.

Like my butt, the urban has sprawled a bit over the years. I passed a temple that makes the Taj Mahal look like a Clayton Park sidesplit. But the old landmarks are still in place. Believe it or not, barring rush hour, it only takes a few moments to separate one's self from the masses.   

Dottie and I arrived at The McMichael Gallery before you could say, “Eaton Centre”. It was a gorgeous afternoon and Dottie said, “If you think you are leaving me to roast in this car like a poodle on a spit, you are wrong, girlfriend.” So we headed into the woods. Tom Thomson would have done the same thing.

Woods? Toronto? Yes Grasshopper, woods. The Humber River Trail wends for 32 km, and for a portion, behind the artsy little hamlet of Kleinburg. Within seconds, Dottie and I were on the trail, in a forest, surrounded by early-blooming ground flowers. As tempting as it is to pick the prized provincial flower, with my luck the trillium police would be lurking, and I’d end up in the ol’ Don jail. Dutiful citizens, we kept walking.  

We followed the trail for miles, through forests, over wooden bridges, along the river and into the rolling hills that I love. It was peaceful, and sunny and I was in heaven. I even stopped to pee along the path and nobody was around to care, although I think Dottie was a little grossed out. We didn’t need to wander through the gallery to see the Group of Seven paintings. We were in them. Peeing.

Jack had a game at 5, so I had to get back. While others had spent the day shopping or hanging at the hotel, I had walked in the countryside for 2 hours with my dog, without seeing a single, solitary soul. Although, I could swear I saw Arthur Lismer's ghost sketching down by the river. Hope he didn't see me pee. 

All that, in ugly, crowded, crime-ridden Toronto. Imagine.

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

The seventh inning stretch of the imagination.

I leave town for one day and Bud the Spud's sales drop so drastically, they are rolling their chip wagon out of town?! That's okay. Those hard working fat flingers deserve a little time on the beach. They have served Halifax too well.  

I am writing this from a hotel room in my old stompin' ground – Toronto. Hard to say where home is anymore, but every corner of this particular city has a freak flag flying that says, "Hey Schultz, remember that time...". Some corners I want to drive by very quickly in case they recognize me. On others I want to sit and soak it all in.

Being here with a gang of 13-year old boys makes it all the more surreal. They are for the most part, wide eyed and eager to shop 'til the puck drops. I hate shopping. I want to take them to see the new Art Gallery of Ontario, and to Chinese bakery near U of T for an egg bun, and to the Morrissey for a beer (but it has gone the way of Bud the Spud) and "up north" for a chilly dip in Georgian Bay. But this is their time, not mine.

Last night, we went to a Blue Jays game. Talk about memory lane. I love baseball. But I love the ritual of baseball, and people watching, hot dogs, and die-hard baseball fans, even more than I love the game. I admit to coughing up a fur ball when I saw the ticket prices! Back when I was a regular, 15 bucks would get you decent seats and you could smuggle in your own beverages. Ah, Exhibition Stadium. Those, were the damp, sunburnt, smelly, glorious days of summer and academic probation. 

The Sky Dome. Well, let's just say whoever fills Bud the Spud's parking spot will have big shoes to fill. 

I am sure memories are being made at the Dome. I watched 20-something boys having a great time together. No girlfriends, no worries. But the old antics on Blue Jays Opening Day at Exhibition Stadium still make me laugh. Once, and don't tell Jack, I wore a backpack on backwards and smuggled in a case of beer pretending to be a pregnant woman. My friends roared as security moved the turnstyle for me. My gang of merry pranksters would laugh for nine innings, and into the night. Not ever really sure who won, but it didn't really matter.

The Rogers Centre is nothing short of fantastic, but to me, it's just not baseball without the elements. And it ain't no Wrigley Field. But it is baseball. Last night, I settled in with my beer, got myself some dinner (peanuts in the shell) and just started looking around. So many men. So many groups of men in well-tailored suits, wearing baseball hats. And hysterically funny, heckling fans. I loved it all. I love men. I haven't been that relaxed in way too long. 

I had to leave the game early to get some real work done, and it went into extra innings, so by the time Jack got back he was in love with the Blue Jays and I was in love with being away from our home, back here at my home. 

We all need a break. Here's a $9 plastic glass of lukewarm draft beer to you, Bud and Mrs. Spud. 

Things change, but memories we carry around with us. Like happy cellulite.  

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Gee, that craigslist killer is kind of cute.

I was lying in bed this morning, thinking of all the things I needed to do today before heading to Toronto, and how a personal assistant would come in handy most days, and how I think Dottie has a poo ball stuck in her fur somewhere. I was also hoping something incredible happened in the world last night, like someone shot George Bush, so I'd have something to write about other than how I hate working out, or here I am heading into yet another bathing suit season looking like Kathleen Turner. If you haven't seen her lately, well, let's just say, she hasn't aged well.  

I did see a snippet of the news last night because it interrupted our favourite show "Chuck" for a few minutes. The big news was, they caught the craigslist killer in Boston. A handsome, 22-year old medical student who, on paper, seems like a mother's dream. There's even a link to his wedding site on the net. Seems he and his fiancée were planning the perfect summer wedding. They are registered at Macy's if anyone wants to buy the happy couple a nice, sterling silver file to bake into his jailhouse cake.

Things aren't always as they appear.     

Take for instance Susan Boyle. If you are one of the few people who hasn't seen her performance on Britian's Got Bad Teeth and Talent, it's worth a trip to youtube.com. Let's just say, poor Susan is butt ugly, but who the hell cares. The woman sings like a bird. If she wasn't ugly and awkward to start, her voice really wouldn't have been such a shock. How dare the ugly woman have a beautiful soul. I hope the fame doesn't ruin her real beauty, but having said that, taking a weed whacker to those eyebrows couldn't hurt.   

And the cute med student is a killer. Hmm.    

That got me thinking how I have always been attracted to outwardly "bad" people. By bad, I mean, oh so good. The kind of people who can't help blurting out a big belly laugh when they're not supposed to. Quiet, nice people make me suspicious. Like they have something to hide. 

Like a poo ball, stuck to their fur.

Which gets me back to all the important things I need to accomplish today. The Hound, as it is now called, has opened in Tantallon. These are the south end dog lovers, Bobbi and Anne who used to operate the House of Dogs on Quinpool. They've hung out a new shingle and are busy again in a nice, new rural location. Actually, they are in the same mall as Freddie's Fish & Chips, heralded as the best fish & chips on the South Shore. So while taking Dottie to the Bay for a bikini wax may seem like a big, fat waste of time. It isn't. 

It's just fat. 

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

If you, or your dog needs a day at the spa, call the girls at The Hound. Their new # is 826-1690.

Or, there are still tickets for the Sunday Spa do-gooding at the Red Tent, so if you have some poo in your fur that would be an excellent time to get it all out. For ticket info go to redtent.ca or click on their logo over there to the right.  

Hey babe, I'd kill for a coffee.

If for some reason they are being extremely gracious on the day I die, I'd like to go to that Philly Cream Cheese heaven. First thing I'd do is knock that annoying, curly-haired angel off her cloud and steal her man servant, Albert. I don't find him attractive or anything. I'd just like a little yard work done. 

Actually, what I'd really like, is a secretary. 

I know, I know, we no longer have secretaries or stewardesses – we have administrative assistants and flight attendants – but I'd like a good, old-fashioned, sexist secretary/stewardess combo. And I'd like one, now.

This being Administrative Professional's week and all, I think it would be a great time for her to start. I say her, simply because women understand the needs of women better than men, and they can multitask. Ask a man to breast feed, put on lipstick, and drive at the same time and they wouldn't know where to begin.

My first choice in a secretary would be Moneypenny. Remember her? M's long suffering gal Friday who loved the pants off of James Bond and could type 200 words a minute. Right now she could be making coffee, then beds, then Jack's lunch. Then she could start on my taxes.

My next choice would be Mr. Drysdale's whipping post, Miss Hathaway. Jane was annoying, but she could wrangle the Clampett's and despite dressing like a lesbian, she did have a thing for Jethro. Jane was an efficient, task master. Right now, she could be walking the dogs and taking out the recycling. 

No wonder men cheated on their wives, with secretaries, back in the good old days of 3 scotch power lunches and sexist workplaces. Back then, secretaries were paid to look nice and do whatever they were told. What simple minded fool could resist that temptation.       

But, sigh, alas, I have neither Jane, nor Moneypenny and not even an Albert, so I must go. My boss is yelling for three Eggos with peanut butter and fake maple syrup – not burnt this time – and maybe some chocolate milk.

Is it Friday yet, gal Friday?      

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

I know nothing.

As if growing up with the same last name as a bumbling Nazi from Hogan's Heroes wasn't painful enough. Now I am starting to look like him. 

At least Sgt. Schultz was a sweet, harmless Nazi. I lean a bit more toward the Colonel Klink side of the Germanic genetic pool. 

Today as I spiral into what one co-hockey parent calls, "tournament brain", I realize spending 3 days at an arena is a bit like Stalag 13.

For the most part, you'll find a cast of allies, all married together for a united cause: our children. And, like Hogan, we can escape, but report back for the cause. Toss in a cast of characters with nothing in common but hockey, add boredom-induced silliness and you've got the makings of a sitcom.  

As in most successful TV shows, there has to be a bad guy, or a bit of underlying drama to keep things moving along. Would Gilligan make it off the island? Would Uncle Charlie ever catch Steve with his pants down, resulting in "My Four Sons". 

In the real Stalag 13 land there is a wonderfully, wicked word only the Germans would come up with. Schadenfreude. It means a 'malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others'. I think it is also an excellent hockey word. Imagine a parent secretly wishing little superstar Johnny would have a bad day, or sprain an ankle, so their bubble boy could make the team. That's what I am talking about.  

Schadnefraude happens. I myself have felt it on occasion. Seldom, if ever, directed at the children, I have inwardly longed to see certain parents get run over by the Zamboni. But, it's the nature of the beast. Hockey parents are notorious for craziness, and I have found the more A's on a kid's jacket, the crazier some parents can get. At least here in Nova Scotia, no one has any money. You should see what they get up to in Toronto, where money can buy your kid a ride on the AAA bench, all season long.  

But that's life in Stalag 13. Today, and for the next 3 days, I will turn my brain off and happily know nothing. I will enjoy my fellow detainees, and the peaceful herd mentality of captivity.

With any luck, there'll be a fight. Hockey fights are good for killing time. My money is on the Dad with the beer belly and the axe to grind because he thinks his kid should have been on the team last year, but the assistant coach's kid's second cousin made it. He's spittin' mad, and looks like he'd take a swing at the goalie's grandmother if she looked sideways at him.   

Other than that, and the weak defenseman's mom is apparently sleeping with the Manager's wife – Schultz knows nothing.   

halifaxbroad@gmail.com  

The rhubarb stimulus package. Only in Nova Scotia.

A timely email landed in my lap yesterday from Rhubarb. Not the tart, stewed slop my maternal grandmother used to pass off as dessert. This was a sweet email from Paul MacInnes, the owner of Rhubarb Grill & Cafe down in St. Margaret's Bay.

I lived in the Bay back in '89 when I first arrived in Nova Scotia. How I got here is another story, but here I am. That gorgeous September, I rented a cottage on the water near Hackett's Cove for $400 bucks a month. Being from Ontario, I was licking my chops at my good fortune. I was told by some ignorant soul that the only thing you'd need for a winter in these parts was a raincoat, and can I tell you how wrong that stupid son of a bitch was, as I huddled by an electric space heater trying to stay alive in an uninsulated cottage in mid February, crying in my Keiths.   

The only things missing in that neck of the woods, at that time, were men with teeth and a finely tailored suit, and a decent place for a gal to dine and find a little warmth. There was some dubious looking pit stop at the highway entrance to my cottage but it was called the "Boil on the Fisherman's Ass" and it was shut down, likely by the health department, shortly after I unpacked my things. 

There certainly wasn't a place like Rhubarb. Or I'd still be down there. 

Since I will be spending the better part of the next 3 days sitting on my duff out in TASA, which for those of you lucky enough not to know, is the St. Margaret's Bay arena. Instead of scarfing back rink fries, I am heading down memory lane to find Rhubarb.  

It seems Rhubarb Paul is trying to have a little fun with this economic shithole we're in. Until May 3, every item on the menu will be priced off of the Toronto Stock Exchange. Huh?  Okay, I am a real blonde so I immediately had head tilted sideways like a golden retriever. Paul, he explained, has tied the prices of the food to the TSX. (1 point on the TSX = 1/10 cent.) Huh? So, if the TSX closes at 8340 points dinner will be $8.34. 

Oooohhh. I am still confused, but playing the stock market isn't exactly my forte. And I don't care, I am going anyway. The menu looks fresh and fantastic and reminds me a bit of Mimi's old restaurant in Mahone Bay.

Plus, Paul says it all started as "a way of making light of a gloomy financial situation, and we weren’t sure about how it would be received, but it people have been very excited and we’ve had a really good time with it". Good enough for me. 

He had me at pie. Or the thought of pie. See once I ran away from home and discovered rhubarb wasn't the ditch you tried to avoid whilst driving, and combined with strawberries and placed in a flaky pie crust, rhubarb was a slice of heaven – my whole world changed.   

Paul also said "one of the most important things Rhubarb stands for is optimism, and I think this promotion makes a strong, optimistic statement: that this too shall pass."

And that my friends is what it's all about. That, and the seafood curry Paul claims to be most popular with the natives. That too shall pass, through me.  

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Rhubarb is located at 8650 Peggy's Cove Road

Just 5 minutes from Peggy's Cove and a pleasant drive from HRM.

402-3163

Doug, if I call you at 10:30 Monday night, don't pick up. Okay, forget that, pick up.

I must be getting old, because I get tired and hungover just thinking about $5 martinis. 

If youngsters, Connie Zafaris and Sarah Langley want to drag my middle-aged ass out of the house at 8, on a Monday night – to chug martinis at Mezza – then they'd better be prepared to do the 5:20 am Tuesday morning rink run, and pay for all those vodka-induced, long distance booty calls I'll make to old boyfriends across North America.

I said I was old, not dead. 

Monday night's Arbonne Red Carpet Event is stacking up to be the kind of evening that starts off innocently enough. A coming together of women with a common goal – to get the hell out the house for some adult conversation and a few flirtatious encounters with Mr. Booze. Toss in friends, yummy (complimentary) Mezza appetizers, gorgeous Arbonne skin care products from Switzerland, and you've got something to talk about other than all the stupid things kids, co-workers, and men do, just to piss us off.    

Smart cookies, Connie and Sarah sound like they know how to throw a party and operate a skin care business. Choose a trendy restaurant on the Quinpool strip. Make a fuss, complete with paparazzi. Add a DJ, makeup demonstrations, and recession-priced "Lady in Red" martinis. They'll soon find out how long it's been since Mommy's had a night on the town.  

Which brings us to the red carpet. Thanks in advance girls, for making us feel special. A carpet we don't have to vacuum, get rug burn, or scrape dog shit off. Thanks for a great excuse to call up some gal pals and head out the door. Lord knows I could use a little lift, and a bulk purchase of Swiss-quality skin cream. That's quality stuff. I've been slapping Swiss chocolate on my ass for years now, and there's not a wrinkle in sight.       

Plus, admission is free. How sweet is that. Tuck a few fivers (and some old phone numbers) into your best push-up bra and go!  

halifaxbroad@gmail.com 

The Arbonne Red Carpet Event is Monday April 2oth, 8 til midnight at Mezza.

Admission is free but RSVP connimariazafiris@hotmail.com or sarah.langley@smu.ca to let them know you are coming.

Thank you, as well, to their evening's sponsors: Mezza, Bishop's Cellar, Joanne David, and Coco Beach.

Oh, charming Prince you befuddle me with your words.

I lead a blessed, fulfilled life. My days are Grace Kelly-glamourous, from the moment my perfectly pedicured toes hit the floor, until I lay my head down on my lavender scented, 1200-thread count pillowcase at night.  

Every day, I thank my lucky stars to be surrounded by like-minded trendsetters, and the Who's Who of contemporary design. My agenda is peppered with brain-storming breakfast sessions; power lunches with motivational thinkers; and cocktails with cutting-edge movers and shakers. I am in awe of my peers and how their insightfulness enlightens others. Their brilliant, inner-sparkle motivates and challenges me.

Just the other day, I had a conversation I'll share with you. It went something like this:  

"Colin, sweetheart, how many times do  have to tell you not to wipe your hands on the shower curtain".

"But it looks like a towel".

"I know it looks like a towel, but it's not a towel. It's a shower curtain."

"But it looks like a towel."

"I know it looks like a towel, but it is a shower curtain. Do you wipe your hands on the shower curtain at home?"

"Not if there's a towel." 

Here's another noteworthy, life-altering classic from my memoirs:

"Jack, you know what soap is, right?"

"Ya."

"Well, you know when you're in the shower that you use soap – everywhere – and rinse it off  until you're clean, right?"

 

"Ya." 

"Then, why are there skid marks on the towels?"

"What?"

"How come there are always skid marks on the towels?"

"I dunno. But if it bugs you so much, why don't you buy brown towels."

I could go on and on, waxing poetic about the witty banter that consumes my days. But I have to go. I hope you understand. We really need to catch up. Let's do lunch. Call me. 

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Hey, average Canadian, careful not to trip over the homeless guy on your way into the vase shop.

Easter passed like a kidney stone. Jack was away stopping pucks, and a Kool Aid allergy keeps me away from organized religions. Cold drizzle meant watching paint dry at the Masters, doing my taxes, going to the gym, or curling up with a stack of magazines. Guess what won.    

My taste in periodicals runs from Esquire to Tennis to Architectural Digest. Depending on my mood, and my budget, I pick up Communication Arts or Travel + Leisure. I sometimes buy GQ (for the articles). And being an interior design junkie, I always have my fix of home decor mags. 

After chatting with Michele, the owner of Atlantic News, I was happy to hear their newsstand is holding its own in this crappy economy. I buy all my magazines there because they are nice, and there's always an illegal parking spot right out front. Michelle attributes the steady traffic to consumers granting themselves more $5 indulgences, instead of splurging on major purchases. 

People can always dream, and what better way to escape than in a magazine. (Oh, I could say something really rude here but it's only Monday.)   

Back at the ranch, I didn't get far into one Canadian publication before I was dumbfounded by the content. Page 28 had a cute little painted dresser for $3200. Page 32 had a $326 garbage can. Page 34, a $12,150 vase, or, for those on a budget, a cheaper alternative for $1360.    

It seems someone has neglected to tell the new Editor what "recession" means. 

I actually flipped back to read over the Editor's message. Maybe I missed the part about the April issue being a tribute to Zsa Zsa Gabor. Her first line went like this: "When I think about spring, I get excited about simple things". Like $12,000 vases, Dahling?   

Hats off to households who can afford such luxuries. And perhaps I have the magazine's readership demographic all wrong, but I suddenly related to starving French peasants watching Marie Antoinette wash down cake with champagne. I wasn't exactly drooling – the vases weren't my taste – but I was shaking my head at the publication's lack of common sense and compassion.    

Please, don't get me wrong – people need an escape. I'm not saying I want to see glossy layouts of trailer park makeovers. Or money-saving DIY projects like fashioning homemade tampons out of last year's throw cushions. Or turning those beer cans into a festive holiday wreath. But come on.

To borrow a line from Sex in the City, methinks the 'idiot-stick-figure-with-no soul' Editor needs to give her platinum head a shake. 

I can't wait for the next issue, where they feature a newly-bankrupt women's shelter, picked up for a song, and fashioned into simply, fabulous high-end condos.  

Where's my $326 garbage can, I have something I want it to read.  

halifaxbroad@gmail.com 

Atlantic News is on the corner of Morris and Queen. If they don't have it, they'll do their best to find it for you. www.atlanticnews.ns.ca

So does that mean what I think it means... about Santa. And the tooth fairy. And God.

Easter, like most commercialized pagan holidays revolving around anticipation and inevitable disappointment, brings back so many fond memories for me. I'll never forget one very special Easter. We lived in the States, but we were visiting my grandparents in Canada. 

It was the usual Easter morning. Waking up way too early, throwing back Nanny's pilled electric blanket that smelled like Avon with undertones of Rothman's King size. I was so thankful I hadn't peed the bed and been electrocuted. That, combined with the freaky bedtime prayer ritual with the ever-so-comforting line: "If I should die before I wake." I was just grateful to have woken up at all. 

My brother and I started running around, poking under "chesterfield" cushions and along windowsills looking for hidden treats. Damn, the Canadian Easter Bunny was good! We searched and searched, and nothing. No hollow chocolate bunny. No marshmallow Peep chicks. Just a few dirty ashtrays and my grandfather's half-dead poodle, Tina snarling at us from atop the Phentex afghan. 

When my mother finally emerged into the chaos, she looked at us, and it went something like this; "Oh, you children are smart. Figure it out." I guess that sudden change in latitude for Easter weekend had really thrown her off. She had simply, forgotten. 

Wandering around Sweet Jane's yesterday brought back a flood of memories from my youth. And a few good memories as well. Gold Nugget gum in the little canvas bag. Necco wafers in the waxy paper wrapping. Strips of white paper with colourful candy buttons. 

Sweet Janes has gorgeous, ready-to-go Easter baskets filled to overflowing with selfless love, er, I mean, plush chicks, milk chocolate bunnies and comforting treats any wide-eyed kid would kill to have. Or, you can create your own basket. The staff have great suggestions and wrap things up so beautifully it looks like you've spent way more than you really did.  

In keeping with the times, you'll also find trans-fat free milk chocolate, European chocolate, yummy cupcakes, and some sassy adult candy packaging that would make the randiest bunny blush, or giggle. 

     
Sweet Janes has everything you'll need for a happy childhood. The only thing missing, are the ashtrays.

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Just in case you ignore all the warning signs, and forget to fill someone's basket, Sweet Jane's is open Good Friday 10-6 Saturday 10 til 8 and even Easter Sunday from 10-6. Monday too!

Hey, if I get gravy on that little linen number, will it wash out?

Someone once told me I should go on the show "What Not to Wear", so it makes me giddy with pleasure to be talking about... wait for it... a fashion show! Ah, the sweet irony in talking high style while sporting jammies and a sweater, albeit cashmere, with a hole in the front from where the dog ate away the misfired Swiss Chalet gravy.

But this isn't just any fashion show. It's Mill's Spring '09 Fashion Show –  on this, their 90th year of existence in the land of the Junior League and the sou'wester. 

90 years. Talk about the ultimate small business success story. Can you imagine Spring Garden Road without Mills? 

The Mills show, in true, big-hearted Mickey MacDonald fashion, sounds like the perfect combination of a glamourous night out with prizes and a little heart-warming do-gooding. All proceeds from the event will be going straight to Palooka's Boxing Club. According to the PR spin from Mills, the evening is about "fashion and compassion". I've always felt sorry for my wardrobe so I say, let's go!  

The Mills show will be taking place at Palooka's which is an amazing spectacle, with or without celery stalk models walking around. A boxing nut, Mickey established Palooka’s Boxing Club to provide a positive environment where Halifax’s youth could develop "discipline, focus and self-confidence through physical activity". I sent Mickey an email to see if he could set me up with a boxing lesson, for fun (discipline, focus and self confidence) plus if you read below I could use a little face time with a punching bag from time to time.

Will I really be at the fashion show? Well, "what would I wear?" would be my first obstacle. Maybe I'll scoot down to Mills and see if they'll let me in. 

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Mills Spring ’09 Fashion Show will take place on Thursday, April 23 from 6:00 p.m. until 9:00 p.m. at Palooka’s Boxing Club, 2110 Gottingen Street. Tickets are available exclusively at Mills for $25 per person with all proceeds supporting Palooka’s Boxing Club. 

Make that bitter, and twisted.

This was going to be my final blog.

I spent a better part of yesterday in a funk that had nothing to do with my middle-aged spread, my dwindled bank account, or the amount of time I spend in a rink, instead of Tuscany.

My funk stemmed from a comment that arrived on my cyber doorstep before the morning paper or my first coffee. The comment came from a man and suggested, while my writing was okay, I seemed a tad, well, bitter.  

Bitter?

And that maybe I drank too much.  

Define, too much.

After my initial, "ya... so what, asshole" dismissive, I swung over to offensive mode, spewing bitter bile because it was, after all, 7:35 am on a school day, and I was on my third Mimosa. 

I then moved on to maudlin, as all bitter, drunk people do just before they drive their kids to school. I hated myself and thought, "He's right. Screw trying to be creative with my stupid blog. Who am I to think I could help small businesses, including my own, with a feeble attempt at self-depreciating humour." I guess you could say, I gave up.   

After a while, it dawned on me. Men don't usually seek out women who lean toward outspoken and comedic. It's a fact, backed by scientific research (and the large percentage of lonely women who laugh themselves to sleep). Most men want women to laugh at their jokes.

I started to rally the troops in my mind. I just had to. I thought of women (and men) who make me laugh out loud. My role models. My mentors. Even fictional characters, created by writers, who make my life a little lighter with a weekly running gag. My list began with:

Julia Louis Dreyfus's character, Christine in The New Adventures of the Old Christine. (Bitter single Mom, drinks too much, funny as hell.)

Christine Baranski's character, Marianne from Cybill. (Bitter, martini swilling, funny as hell.)

David Sedaris, writer (Bitter and twisted thanks to osmosis, or genetics. Funny as hell.)

Judy Gold, star of Mommy Queerest (Bitter and a lesbian, who cares if she drinks, she's 6'3" and funny as hell.)

Megan Mullally's character, Karen from Will & Grace (Bitter, lush, funny as hell.) 

Charlie Sheen's character, Charlie on Three and a Half Men (Bitter, alcoholic womanizer, funny as hell.)  

Holland Taylor's character as matriarch on Three and a Half Men (Bitter, boozer, funny as hell.) 

My list could go on and on, to include authors and friends, but I am too bitter and drunk to care. Instead, from now on, I'll change the tune of my blog to sober optimism. Here's how my days will read from my new, improved perspective. I hope you like it:

I awoke to a beautiful but grey, rain-soaked morning, the colour of wet cement. I was alone, but that's okay. I'm just happy to be alive, because every day is a precious gift. The basement was flooded but maybe I could make a wee frog pond or start an organic mushroom business. Look on the bright side I always say! I worked for a while – happily, for no pay, but I love what I do. Eventually,  I roused my beautiful boy who is such a morning person, and a joy to be around. I made him a homemade, nutritious breakfast and drove him to school on time. We chatted about Proust and iambic pentameter along the way, then he kissed me goodbye and said, "I love you, Mom... let's do some volunteering after school today!" Then, the dogs and I had a delightful walk in the park, and I love them so much I don't even mind bending over to pick up their excrement because sometimes it's the only exercise I get all week and I am grateful for it...

Oh, screw it. Men are assholes. Anybody have some Clamato?

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Hey, Miss Winters, over here!

It's a real pity to live in a city with so many great photographers and hate having your picture taken. Saying "cheese" ranks right up there with tripe, Revenue Canada and pelvic exams, as things I try to avoid. When I croak, Jack will have to place one of those fake photos that come with a new frame, on top of my casket. Fine with me.

It's so bad, even Customs agents reel in horror when I flip open my passport. And I think that's why I get so many traffic tickets. The cops look at my license and think, "this bitch should stay at home and chew on the furniture".    

Have you ever gone to an event, where you made that extra effort to get the stains out of your good sweatpants, and dug out that nice bra you've been saving since 1997. You walked in, like it was the high school gym, feeling like you could pull it all back together. (You had a few warm-up cocktails at the neighbours). 

Later, you see a photo of that exact evening and there you are, in a Kodak moment, mid-sentence, mouth open, double chin, eyes closed, hand flopping around reaching for cake, and at least 60 or 70 pounds heavier than you remembered.  

Isn't that what girlfriends are for? To destroy bad photos and to assure you, the girl he was with was really ugly and they didn't look happy. Oh, and that unphotogenic really means, stay home and watch Friday Night Lights.   

This Christmas past, I was putting together an album of dead dog photos for Jack. My precious momentos live in a cardboard box in the basement, all stuck together and coated with some sort of yeast infection. Putting photos into albums is for people with way too much time on their hands.

Digging through, I found 13 years of Hooey shots. He was in nearly every picture of Jack from age 0 to last August. His nose, his tail – there was a piece of that dog in every shot.  

I also found a bunch of photos with strips torn off and chunks removed. Those are the photos of me, or where I used to be. I always tear myself out of the photo and keep the good half. The half with my arm, a smiling kid and the dog's ass. 

In the very rare pictures that made my cut, I always have the same pose. I raise my head to avoid a double chin, then my eyebrows go up so I end up looking Shelly Winters. Or Burl Ives. It seems I have inherited my grandmother's jowls (and ill temper). 

But never mind. I have nothing to complain about. The new owner of Life Style Portrait Photography reminded me of that just the other day. 

Shannon Rowarth purchased a thriving portrait studio from the much-loved Halifax photographer, Angela Davies. Angela died way too early from a cancer that never appeared to break her spirit. Thankfully, she left her personality in hundreds of amazing portraits. 

The good news is, Shannon carries on with the same whimsical, at-ease style people love. She captures personalities with energy and life. She makes people who hate having their photo taken feel happy in their own skin. Well not me, but other people.   

The bad news is, Shannon inherited a great deal of wonderful images taken by Angela, and she doesn't know who they belong to. Help. Shannon is offering these portraits in exchange for a small donation to the Cancer Society. If you were lucky enough to have "posed" (jumped, hung upside down) for Angela or know someone who did, please come and see if any of the images belong to you. 

I may go pick up a portrait of some yummy mummy around 30, with perky breasts and perfect teeth. At least then, Jack will have something to set on top of my pine box.

I'll be inside the box wearing my good sweats, clutching a well-worn photo of a kid, a dog, and an arm. Smiling.

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Life Style is on Queen Street near the Starbucks corner.

902.422.6555  www.lifestyle-portrait.com

I said, just a minute! Mommy's shaving her legs... again.

Our power went off last night around 8:15. I was in the tub. Jack was pretending to do homework, watching the Knicks and the Raptors. The washing machine was going. The dryer was going. The dehumidifier was working overtime in the basement. 

Then nothing but silence. And darkness.

It was really nice. Like Earth Hour, without all the money wasted on hype and advertising. Jack got to play pyro, lighting candles around the house, and I just floated in the tub like a contented whale, wondering if I had neglected to pay the electric bill.

As most people would, I started thinking about Ma and Pa on Little House on the Prairie and how they must have had a lot of sex. Pa (Michael Landon) was pretty cute and I bet those wool britches got itchy after a long day of poverty. Once they got the blind sister up into the loft and Laura her A.D.D. meds, what else was there to do but throw back the quilts and rock Ma’s world.

It was always dark on the Prairie. (Must have been Nova Scotia Power territory).

I think that Caroline Ingalls must have been an insatiable vixen in a calico skirt. They had how many kids by the end of that show? 15? Including that little bastard Albert who looked alot like Charles to me. Where did he come from?  

Ma and Pa naturally got me thinking about a small appliance I had seen advertised recently.

Not a toaster. Or a coffee maker. This revolutionary time-saver was called “The Tinge”.

Battery operated and rechargeable, The Tinge would have come in handy last night, minus the doe-eyed dog hanging his head over the edge of the tub, and a boy within earshot. Plus there was the added fear of accidentally giving myself a hysterectomy.

The Tinge, you see, is a ladies' razor, that doubles as a vibrator, or "Pleasure Toy". No joke.

Sleek, pink, and discreet, the Tinge sells for $99 bucks and must have been designed by a man. Multi-tasking wizards that we are, no women I know would marry a razor, with something intended for use, up in OBGYN territory.

Maybe a vibrator and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Or a vibrator and a Submarine sandwich. A vibrator and a riding lawn mower. Or a vibrator that turns into a bowl of Cheesies afterwards and goes home. But not a razor. Back to the drawing board, boys.  

And, as desperate as my love life is, I have never considered going down Dildo Road. (And please, if anyone has, I really don't want to hear about it.) I can just imagine taking advantage of myself after Hockey Night in Canada with my rubberized Charles Ingalls. With my luck, I’d get electrocuted Or the dog would find it and bury it in the neighbours’ backyard, but only after walking around the block with it a few times. Or Jack would find it – or worse – hear me "shaving my legs" yelling Pa! Pa! Yes Pa! Yes! Yes!

No wonder their kid went blind. 

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Pick up your own Tinge at www.mytinge.com or shop locally for a safer version at Venus Envy, 1598 Barrington Street. I think they are still in business... Hey, I'd better go check!

He's thinking... Laureen is a very, very naughty girl.

What does it say about us – a nation of so-called democratic free thinkers – that not a single, solitary, ass-kissing soul stood up in defense of our Leader's blow-up wife, Mrs. Harper. I would have thought one tax payer, looking to have his potholes filled, would have raised the blue freak flag. Tory Spelling didn't even call. 

But did the kitty litter ever hit the fan over my mild, cat slagging. (See Thursday) I didn't even get started on how I think there should be a "Cat Trick" in hockey, and instead of tossing a perfectly good hat, everyone throws a dead... er, never mind. 

I thought I was nuts, but it was so refreshing yesterday, to find out that my deck is full compared with some of you people.

One really disturbing response came from reader who I will not mention by name, other than to say it begins with A, ends with Y and spells: Intervention. 

Not only did this crazy cat lover send me photos of her freaky-looking felines, she told me a tale that I will share with you today. Gather round. 

Once upon a time, there was a woman who loved cats. She loved her cats so much that she was curious about what they were thinking. The woman who loved cats did some research and found another whack job animal psychic who claimed she could speak to animals. Even the dead ones. For $40 bucks. (I am in the wrong business. I'll tell you what Fluffy is saying for $15.)   

Trust me it gets worse. 

Lauren, (not to be confused with Laureen, aka Mrs. Harper) the animal psychic at "Animal Talk with Lauren" talks to dogs, cats, horses etc. and claims she can "ask the questions that you always wanted to know - and get answers for you". 

I realized, then and there, that I never really needed to know what my dogs were thinking. I figured a wagging tail meant: life is good. Licking balls meant: life is really good. And eating cat shit out of the neighbour's shrubbery meant: my food sucks, but life is good now, want a kiss?  

Lauren is in Ontario, but, don't be discouraged, she does readings over the phone. All you have to do is mail in a picture of your beloved pet, dead or alive, along with your cheque or money order. 

This is the fun part. My friend did just that. She sent the goat whisperer some Canadian Tire money and a photo of her cat, Angus. And waited. The animal psychic called, and said, among other things, that Angus didn't like the clicking noise of the keyboard. She said, Angus didn't like it when they picked snot balls out of his nose. And Angus it seems, was a little light in the loafers because, according to the psychic, he liked to watch American Idol.

I know, I know... NO ONE likes American Idol, do they? Well, except it seems, my friend's cat. I cry bullshit but my friend was satisfied and said now she'd have something to talk about if Bridgewater ever hosted a dinner party.

Then, I had a thought.   

Allow me to quote from Lauren's website: "Having developed and practiced my talent for many years, I speak for animals. I willingly provide a voice for the non-human creatures of our world in the hope that I may assist them to obtain greater health, better understanding of their expected roles and better relationships with their human partners."

Non-human. Expected roles. I say for $40 bucks, we've found Mr. Harper's new speech writer. He is after all, a jackass. 

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

Find out what your little hairball thinks at www.animaltalk.ca or call me at 902.422.0712. I too accept cash, cheques or Canadian Tire money. 

Look for someone wearing an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt.

It's not like me to be coughing up fur balls so early in the morning, but does anyone know what Stephen Harper's wife looks like? Meow. Does anyone care?  

It occured to me, as I was watching Michelle Obama doing us all proud over at the G20 tea party, that I don't even know what our "First Lady" looks like. I honestly, had to Google "Stephen Harper's wife" to find out the woman's name. Does that say more about me, or the lacklustre state of Canadian politics in general?  

On the other hand, I get all veklempt when I see Michelle Obama. I pray for her safety and happiness. She has a Harvard Law degree; hips; a sensible, yet bold, fashion sense; she puts her children first; she speaks her mind; and she stands by her hunky, sex-on-a-bun man. Finally, someone for American women – all women – to look up to. (And, she's tall!) The only remotely "bad" thing some moron could dig up about Michelle O was that she wears Spanx. And, like, you don't?    

(Aside.) Don't get me wrong, I liked Laura Bush. She seemed sweet, but she wasn't exactly a pistol, those twins were a couple of piss tanks, and she married George W. Enough said.

And look who France got!      

Apparently, the woman who curls up with our Perma-press pajamas, every-day-is-a-bad-hair-day leader, goes by Laureen Teskey. Or Laureen Teskey Harper. Or Mrs. Laureen Harper mostly these days. (Is that an election I smell?) And, she's on Hubby #2. Boy, Hubby #1 must have been a real humdinger if this is an upgrade. From what I could gather, Laureen and Steve share a love of cats, and well, that's about all I could gather, as I kept nodding off.

Cats! Don't get me started on cats.

I don't claim to care about politics and I wave whatever flag seems right at the time. But I am telling you right now, if there's another blood-sucking election, I'd vote for Ignatieff's wife. At least I could pick her out of a lineup if I had to. Geesh, her name is Zsuzanna Zsohar. She just has to be more exciting than What's Her Face, the one dumping the kitty litter at 24 Sussex Drive. Right? 

I say, Canadians – Canadian women – are due for a little personality. We haven't had a live wire in Ottawa since Margaret Trudeau. Well, maybe not that much personality, but you know what I mean. We need a cool couple. Too bad that Michaëlle Jean is already hooked up, because if we found her a handsome, leader-type fella, they'd fit the bill perfectly. We need the kind of couple where you like both the man and the woman, and would gladly have them over for a bowl of Cheesies, because they are fun. They light up the room. Like the Obamas. Or the Griffins from Family Guy.    

It's kind of like this: Imagine you are stuck on an all-inclusive, desert island. (I almost typed dessert island.) Would you rather be stuck with Michelle Obama, What's Her Face Harper, Vin Diesel, or Zsuzsanna Zsohar? 

Trick question.  

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

  

Here's one for the ladies literature and libations club.

One of my favourite things about living in Toronto besides men in nice suits, was frequenting a place called Waddington's. Not a pub, an auction house, but equally addictive. Around since 1850, Waddington's would hold major art and antique auctions, then, every other week or so, smaller not-so-fancy estate auctions. These were the ones I loved. Sifting through remnants of lives lived in rambling mansions in Rosedale or Forest Hill was fascinating to me. I bought my first slipcovered chintz chair there for $15 bucks. It smelled a wee bit like gin and old lady urine, but it washed up just fine.     

I really don't like standing around all day at an auction only to watch some fat cat with a palsy paddle scoop your bid. At 'Wadd's' you could go in the day before the auction and place blind bids on stuff. Books, furniture, art. I'd stick $10 to 50 bucks on this and that, and leave. The next day, you'd get a call, or not. They'd say, "You got Lot #25 for $45 bucks, come and get it." Of course, I'd have no idea what my prize was because I never wrote anything down. It was like Christmas, without the weird relatives. 

I seldom "have to" have anything, but I there's a book that speaks to several of my personalities, and I want it. It must have spoken to Brad Pitt too, as he just picked up the rights to make it Hollywood worthy. (Along with Natalie Portman but who cares about her.)  

A unique approach to romance, I love the title: "Important Artifacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion, and Jewelry." And I love the cover. I judge books by their covers no matter what anyone says.  

The author is Leanne Shapton, an art director who grew up in Toronto. She has since moved on to bigger and better places, like NYC, and you can bet she doesn't hang around hockey rinks. I confess to kinda-sorta wanting her life right now, as guilty as that makes me feel.

"Important Artifacts..." is an auction catalog that reads a bit like a graphic novel. Crazy huh, which is why I want it. The 325 lots up for auction are things from the defunct relationship between fictional characters; food critic, Lenore, and photographer, Harold. Through Lenore and Harold's personal effects – everything from jewelry, fine art, and rare furniture, to the seemingly worthless items like pajamas, Post-it notes, and paperbacks – the story of a love affair gone sour comes to life. Why didn't I think of that!?  

It makes me wonder what my life would look like in an auction catalogue: Lot #3 An incontinent poodle. Foggy memories. A complete wardrobe in sizes 6 to 16. A great kid. Travel photos. A broken heart or two. And some unpaid bills. 

What the hell, I'll put $17 bucks on the lot. The urine smell will wash out.

halifaxbroad@gmail.com

 

Frog Hollow 429-3318 www.froghollowbooks.ca