Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pubic outcry.

My mother knit me a Cowichan sweater once, and as much as I loved it, I knew it wasn't a real Cowichan sweater because unless I am adopted – which would explain a great deal – my mother isn't a Cowichan Indian, or native person, or whatever the hell we are supposed to call them. First Nations, I think is the current, politically correct term. She wasn't a First Nation. She was forth or fifth nation Irish/Scottish, so basically I had a hand-knit knock off.

First Nations is a nice way of saying 'fucked over' by the little French guy with the funny hat. 'First' means diddly when staring down the barrel of a musket, clutching your beaver pelt for dear life. The rest is all too familiar history, although not-so ancient past, with the latest 2010 Olympic costume fiasco brought to you by the good American folks at Hudson Bay Co.

It's come out in the wash that our Cowichan Indian First Nation aboriginal folks – the Coco Chanel behind the original hand-knit sweater – actually agreed to knit their little asses off to produce enough authentic sweaters for HBC's Olympic clothing line. But, the Cowichan knitters didn't get the job. As a result, HBC's pro-Canadiana Olympic sweater has been exposed as a big, fat manufactured rip-off, and the Cowichan tribe of knitters are rightfully pissed. Mad pissed, not drunk pissed, although who could blame them if they hit the photocopier after watching their original handiwork bastardized for all to see.

Speaking of Olympic rip offs, I suppose now with the 2016 Olympics being handed to a greased palm down in Rio De Janeiro, we'll see a sharp rise in the occurrence of fake Brazilian waxes. I hate to think what a knock-off Brazilian wax job would be – maybe only half your asshole hairs being yanked out by an unlicensed masochist in a back alley.

I had a bikini wax. Once. Nearly only half a bikini wax because after that first patch of my short and curlies were yanked out, I decided beauty was way too painful and perhaps the occasional Nair treatment or shaving would be the way to go. As fortune would have it, I am a natural blonde and my shingles match my porch, so this hasn't been a huge issue for me waltzing around at the rink in my thong. But, for some dark-haired women, I understand the ol' beaver pelt could be traded in for a multi-striped Hudson Bay point blanket, every few weeks or so.

I contacted Spirit Spa in Halifax to inquire about Brazilian waxing. The Spa assured me the Brazilian was very popular, even in Havenot, and for $55 bucks you could have a "Full Monty or a landing strip". In fact, they kindly offered me a complimentary Brazilian, which had me wincing and contracting my sphincter muscles just thinking about it. I'll stick with my occasional weed whacker routine because I avoid unnecessary pain down there, and the reality is, no one's been looking to land their plane – not even a drunken pilot – on my landing strip, for a very long time.

Tonight is actually BYOB Night at Spirit Spa, which doesn't mean Bring Your Own Beaver, silly, it means Bring Your Own Blow Dryer, for a fun, winey, cheesey night of styling and hair fluffing workshops and girl stuff. I won't be going, but call to reserve a spot because it's a popular event, especially on a rainy night.

If you'd like to experience an authentic Brazilian wax job, Maritime Travel has a dandy guided 16-day tour of South America that begins with 5 days in Rio, so you'll have plenty of time to transform your beaver from looking like Fidel Castro to a thong-worthy masterpiece. Plus, you'll get to see Rio before the Olympic committee move all of their First Nations people off of the streets and into a lovely compound in the mountains so as not to embarrass the world with their "authenticity".

As for Hudson Bay Company, they are about as Canadian as George Bush now, so I say let's boycott the scalping bastards. Or, better yet – save all your pubic hair clippings and mail 'em to to HBC Head Office so they can stop faking it and produce authentic, Canadian Olympic sweaters spun from 100% pure Canadian beaver.

Spirit Spa is at 5150 Salter Street in Halifax. To book BYOB night email: or call 431.8100. BYOB is from 7 til 9.

Book your South American waxing adventure at or call 1.800.593.3334.

Mail your unwanted pubes to HBC at: Box 223, Station "A" Scarborough, Ontario M1K5C1