Friday, December 4, 2009

Here, kitty.

Yesterday, a man called to see how I was feeling.

Doesn't that start off really nicely?

I barely had "shitty" out of my mouth when he said, "Oh, too bad, I was kind of hoping you'd drive my kid to hockey."

No shit.

As I watch this ridiculous Tiger Woods scandal unfold, I bet two things: Tiger's popularity will rise among men. And more women will take up golf, just so they can swing like a super model.

Bottom line is, the male species cannot be domesticated. Sure, you can teach a cat to shit in a lavender-scented litter box, but the second Mr. Fluffy is outside, he's pissing all over the rhododendron, mutilating songbirds, and fucking the neighbour's tabby.

I hear the tabby is a real slut.

All I'm saying is wild things are wild things. Placing a bell the size of a Kobe diamond on a cat will only announce that the cat is coming. He's dangerous, he's wearing a shiny bell. He's successful. Someone owns him. Nice bell. 'Wonder if he's been neutered. Who cares. He's wearing a shiny bell. Look at the size of his paws. Puuurrrrrrrfect.

Gentlemen, I love you. You should all live together in a big cave with a big screen TV, but I do love you. But even if you can afford to peel off millions in an attempt to heal wounds, it's too late. The wounds are there. Think before you accidentally place your penis in a cocktail waitress. Or before you say things like, "Oh, too bad, I was kind of hoping you'd drive my kid to hockey." Try this instead: "Could I perhaps help you in any way that won't benefit me?"

I know, Sweetheart, evolution is hard, isn't it. It takes practice. Here, let me get you a beer and the remote.

Duly Noted on Quinpool Road have a great selection of cards. Funny cards. Note cards. Sentimental cards. Blank cards too, just in case you want to write your own greeting like: "Sorry I fucked the cocktail waitress" or "Sorry I spoke to you like you were stupid, even though you make more money than me" or "I love you, will you do that thing you did to me on our wedding night?" or "I hope you are feeling better soon, because I really need you to do something for me".

There's that word again. Me. Add an "n" and sometimes you'll get a asshole-in-one.

Duly Noted is at 6224 Quinpool Road and 1459 Brenton Steet in Halifax.