Monday, May 9, 2011

Social climbing responsibility.

Damn her.

With a mere two weeks remaining before embarking on my coming of age adventure, I have moved into what is known as the "intense" segment of my Machu Picchu ascent training. This involves shitting in the backyard, limiting myself to two squares of single-ply toilet paper, speaking only in Quechua (phrases like "Carry me, Eduardo, you filthy man donkey") and drinking lukewarm Chilean wine whilst enclosed in a urine-stained sleeping bag.

Then I get the email.

First, can I mention that the Little Bastard has decided to vocalize his own coming of age independence by announcing that he'd rather get circumcised by a palsied rabbi (I initially typed rabbit by mistake) than go to Peru – putting his size 14 foot down on my soul, just before Mother's Day.

And then I get the email.

It seems, leaving one's comfort zone and foregoing yet another opportunity to purchase RRSPs is simply not enough. And, now that I am facing the very real possibility that I may be going it alone, I'm thinkin' – why, oh why didn't the good folks at Maritime Travel encourage me to push the Tennis in Tuscany tour button before settling on 10-Day Incan Incontinent?


Then there's the email.

It seems being flawless of skin, petite, and genuinely nice, isn't enough for Elaine Shortt of Thornbloom fame. The good wife, mother, entrepreneur, and arthritis sufferer has decided she not only wants to climb Machu Pichhu without cracking a sweat – she's doing it for a good cause.

Damn her.

I am doing it... because... well... I am not sure why I am doing it – but if it's for any cause it's BECAUSE it's THERE and not HERE sitting in my jammies in Havenot wondering if the sun will ever shine again. My goal isn't raising money for a do-good worthy cause like the Arthritis Society's Joints in Motion – I just want to raise my head up off of this desk.

And, wouldn't you know it. According to Elaine's timely email, between now and August 31st, all proceeds from the sale of selected Oxo Good Grips products at Thornbloom will be donated to Arthritis research. That bitch! Oxo Good Grips, for those who are ignorant and ill informed, are easy-to- grip gadgets ergonomically designed to ease the difficulty some people may have pulling corks out of bottles and unscrewing lids from cocktail olive jars.

Not to be outdone, between now and two weeks from now, donations of any kind (flowers, Chilean wine) can be delivered to me personally – because unlike Elaine – I am perhaps not in the best of shape for climbing anything except maybe out of bed. And while I may not have arthritis now – in about 18 days, I guarantee you – I will have the worst goddamned case of arthritis and likely diarrhrea in Peruvian history.

So go ahead – feel all warm and fuzzy by contributing to Elaine's socially responsible cause. Keep in mind she is a size 2 and wouldn't know a wrinkle if it bit her on the ass. Just click on the Arthritis logo over to the right, then go about your miserable day.

I know I will.

Oh... adding insult to injury, for those who choose to make a donation of $25 or more, Thornbloom will be offering a gift of a selected Good Grips gadget; for donations of $100 or more, a Good grips salad spinner valued at $49.95. Just present your tax receipt at Thornbloom to claim your thank-you gift.