Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Does dating assholes qualify me as a proctologist.

First of all, I'd like to examine the asshole who invented golf.

And just to save you ladies time and money, an "Executive" course does not mean a parking lot full of hot looking, successful executives looking for a little fun on a Tuesday afternoon. I wore my best sports bra for nothing.

To summarize golf in a nutshell – it is stupid. The ball is too hard and too small. The cup is too small and waaay too far away. A net would have made more sense. The drink chick driving the John Deere hauling cold ones doesn't take credit cards. Or, at least my credit card. Five holes is enough already. There's too much bending over with no reward. And there's nothing to do between swings, or in my case, between hitting the turf repeatedly with a over-priced stick. And for this you pay money. Lots of money.

But the clothes are no longer frumpy, in fact they are really nice now. And I cleared the lake on the 18th. And my kid LOVES it, so I am sticking with it. So be prepared for more musings from the 19th hole.

And I promise not to say asshole for an entire week if you do a couple of things: If you are a man, bend over and take one for the team by having a prostate exam. If you are a woman, make sure the man you love finally succumbs to having something shoved up his hole-in-one for a change. Then, please sponsor me in Sunday's Father's Day Run for Prostate Cancer. Click on the image of the fat ass humped over in the garden up to the right. It'll take you straight to my pledge page. I know it's a recession and you already gave to whatever, but how often do I ask for anything except a little lovin' now and again. Besides, I have a beautiful boy who, despite his insistance on wearing the same boxers for several days and being a goalie, well, I'd love for him to live forever.

And, let's face it. Women already outlive men by about ten years. That's ten long years of no chance of ever having even bad sex again (hey I am already there!) and a decade of listening to old women whining about book club and hot flashes. And besides, mens' nose hairs are so cute when they get older, about the time when their pants finally start to rise up instead of down.

And as we all know, most men are assholes, so if prostate cancer weeds out even a few of the good ones, then what will we be left with.


Prostate cancer is the number one cancer threat to Canadian men. (Besides women with sharp knives who refused to sign a pre-nup). Please support me by making a secure online donation. Click on the link below: