Saturday, January 23, 2010

You say potato, I say vodka.

I had a lump removed yesterday.

It was blonde, about 5' 11" and operated a sock farm in the TV room.

Normally, a lump-free "away tournament" weekend would begin with a bottle of red and a bowl of popcorn – and end with me licking the icing out of a bag of Double Stuff Oreos. Last night, thanks to this U Weight régime, I played tennis, then made an artichoke, spinach and tofu frittata.

To fucking fu.

What is happening to me? Kid-free Friday nights are for cheesies, Cabernet Sauvignon, and long distance calls you regret the next day. Not frittatas! It pains me to even type that word. Chips and Dip flow from the fingertips with ease.

During my routine drop-in quickie counseling at U Weight this week, I once again marveled at what a cynic I was heading in to this "lifestyle" program. Here I am on Day 14 without salt, wine, bread, butter, wine, sweets, coffee, Cheez Whiz, and wine – and I haven't cheated, or felt hungry once. There's even flax oil in my fridge. I can drop a tofu log in my smoothie without gagging. Warm almond milk, without Kahlua, is my evening beverage of choice. And, I don't care what's in the horse-sized herbal supplements – the last time I felt this energized and determined to eliminate garbage from entering my pie hole, I was pregnant.

Tomorrow, I am going to check out the OptiMYz Health, Fitness & Lifestyle Show at the WTCC. Maybe I'll make eye contact with someone who understands that the real me is way more fun than the flax-swigging me, and that I am one intervention away from calling the whole thing off, ordering a pizza and pouring 100% proof in my papaya smoothie.

Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world". But he was a protein-deprived, anorexic old fucker in diapers. I just want to bend over in my ski pants without passing out.

Hey, I said I was lump free this weekend, not angst free.

For more information on the OptiMYz Health, Fitness & Lifestyle Show go to The U Weight gang will be at the show if you want to drink my sugar-free, fat-free Koolaid.