Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Finally. Someone gets me.

Dear Halifax Broad,
This is
Shiela from
We stumbled on your blog while searching for substance abuse related information. I understand that your website is related to this topic. As a kind note, we have featured your site and we would be grateful if you could add the following details to your blog's main page.
Looking forward for your confirmation.
Substance-Abuse Counselor

Dear Shiela,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful email. You've made my day. It is such an honour to be recognized by a prestigious institution such as yours. Not since NASA called to ask if they could shoot my liver into space, have I been so humbled. I knocked back a fifth of vodka in my orange juice this morning just to celebrate – and plan to raise a glass, or two, after I drive the little soul-sucker to school. What a memorable day – hopefully I'll remember most of it. Ha ha. A little substance abuse humour for ya. Pretty good for first thing in the morning.

Shiela, I noted you "stumbled" across my blog so I figure you must like to toss back a few at your desk. Atta girl. We should really get together. Drinking, er, working alone can be such a drag. No benefits aside from taking the phone off the hook and catching a few winks after Oprah. I just jump up when the kids get home, and pretend I was folding the pile of laundry on the bed.

Again, thanks for the recognition. I work hard spreading the word about substances and the consequential abuse, and it's nice to know someone appreciates what I do. You can bet the little asshole searching for toe jam on my sofa wouldn't notice if I were slumped over my keyboard in a pool of my own filth, unless he needed food, money, or a ride to hockey.

Ungrateful. Like I was put on this Earth to walking around picking up shit-stained boxer shorts and socks that smell like road kill. Yesterday, I even made the little bastard Hamburger Helper which was a real test for my gag reflexes. It reminded me of why I never drink anything that ends in "colada", if you know what I mean, Shiela.

But of course you do.

What can I say Shirley. Your email has made my day. Did I tell you about the time I drove over my kid's foot. I didn't even know it happened until later when the school called to say he'd been standing outside and it was getting dark. Of course, I asked if he was limping to get out of mowing the lawn. Goddamned feet are so big, he's lucky I ran out of Bailey's and coffee.

I'd better go, Sandra. The sun is up and I just realized I left the dog and some groceries in the car last night. I hope the wine didn't freeze. I wondered what all that barking was about. No problem falling asleep though, if you know what I mean.

It's never ending. Today, I have to whip over to Jane's on the Common before Regis & Kelly. Jane's Next Door sell ready-to-eat meals you can scrape into Corning Ware and toss off as home cooking. Last week, I bought a Chicken Pot Pie with Sweet Potato Crust that was so delicious, and really soaked up the Donini. Jack picked out the big chicken chunks and made some pretty effective gagging noises when I tried to force sweet potato down his throat – but he loved the warm tea biscuits.

Jane's Next Door is open from 8 'til 8 which is really handy because you can just pull up, run in and leave the car idling out front. I just can't seem to get warm these days. My doctor says maybe it's my medication, but I think these new eco-friendly stainless steel travel mugs just make the drinks too damn cold. Is that possible, Sharon? I refuse to start drinking that filthy Tim's coffee like all the other hockey moms. 'Next thing you know I'll be sportin' a perm and a snowmobile jacket.

Talk soon. Maybe I'll give you a jingle after Judge Judy. God I love her. She puts the "I" in Bitch. I bet she'd be fun at Book Club. Book Club, snort. We both know Book Club is short for "mommy's little excuse to get the fuck out of the house."

Oh, look at the time.

Your new friend,

(That was a real honest to god email I got this morning.)

Jane's Next Door is at 2398 Robie Street, Halifax. Join her mailing list at:

Keep voting people.