Monday, October 19, 2009

Ms. November.

Three kids and a blue beaver (speculation) and you've still got the kahunas to park yourself on the cover of Playboy. I say, good for you Marge, I can't even bear to look at myself in a foggy hotel room mirror.

Targeted at a younger audience, with hopes to pull up limp magazine sales and a second-quarter, $9-million dollar loss, Playboy is placing the burden of hope on the shoulders of Springfield's most sainted housewife. Such pressure for Marge. Isn't it bad enough the poor bitch has Homer flopping around on her night after night?

Gracing the cover of Playboy magazine is the ultimate flipping off to the feminist movement. Or is it? Quoted recently, Gloria Steinem's advice to young women was, "to do whatever they fucking well please". This from the quintessential bra burner who once worked as a Playboy Bunny, then exposed Hef's operation in the 1985 made-for-TV movie, A Bunny's Tale, starring a pre-Krispy Kreme Kirstie Alley. Good to know, even in her 70's, Glo hasn't softened her stance or her delivery.

My grandfather kept stacks of Playboy magazines in his sliding bookshelf/headboard combo. When we would visit from the States, I spent hours sipping Bovril, flipping through glossy pages staring at the beautiful women with staples in their belly buttons. I never read any of the articles, but I loved the jokes I understood, and I always read the centerfold bios. I don't recall any shame – for myself or Miss July – and while painfully heterosexual, I remain in awe of the unabashed displays of well-trimmed "self-confidence".

Some will of course argue that posing for such a publication is degrading to women – but is it any more degrading than Hugh Hefner walking around in his pyjamas, looking like an old fool in his mansion full of dumb blondes with brunette pubic hairs. And exactly how dumb are they? I bet their bank accounts are a few cup sizes bigger than mine.

This week I received an email and a nice compliment from Brain, Child (note the comma) - a publication in the States. The woman who contacted me expressed an interest in my writing, stating I would 'fit in perfectly' with their audience, as theirs was "The Magazine for Thinking Mothers". It says so right there on the magazine cover. She went on to say, "Our writers explore the transformations that motherhood brings." I had to ask, "transformations?" Like from career woman with nice underwear - to a babbling, puke-encrusted zombie who hasn't slept through the night since shitting out a ten-pound rocking chair? Those kinds of transformations? I have said it before and I'll say it again: afterbirth is actually a portion of your brain – the lobe that prior to childbirth, would have prevented you from saying things like, "Did you go poopies?" and "Don't roll your fucking eyes at me because I was a teenager once too you know and it wasn't pretty, so back off, asshole".

I think I am better suited for a magazine aimed at people who don't have time to think. Or, the magazine for mothers who prefer not to think, because if they really sat down and thought about things, they'd head that minivan full of snot-nosed, unappreciative little bastards for the nearest cliff.

I stopped by Atlantic News on the weekend. I love everything about this newsstand. The owners are great, the staff are helpful, and their black licorice is the freshest in town. I could spend hours grazing through the rows of beautiful magazines, and it makes me sad to think I may never have a flat stomach again, (Self magazine) or know 75 Crazy Hot Sex Moves (Cosmo) or fulfill my dream of working for a big publication like Esquire, or even O. When Condé Nast announced Gourmet magazine would be closing its cover after nearly 60 years, I realized – not only does my career timing suck – but there may come a time when buying a stack of magazines and curling up with a glass of wine, will be as far fetched as ever looking good upside down again.

The November issue of Playboy is available on newsstands everywhere. Well, everywhere except for here and maybe Iran – but the good folks at Atlantic News are holding a copy for me when it finally arrives. I also didn't see a copy of Brain, Child but maybe all the thinking mothers snatched them up.

I figure Marge Simpson's debut as Playmate of the Month would be a good issue to leave lying around, just in case Jack wants to "read the articles" or see what a real woman looks like – blue beaver and all.

Atlantic News is located at the corner of Queen & Morris, 5560 Morris Street in Halifax. If they don't have what you're looking for, they'll do their damnedest to get it in.