Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mrs. Lot speaks out.

There's nothing like a piping hot cup of cat piss to get you out of bed in the morning.

Day 3 of my Kick Ass U Detox began with an observation: herbal tea is for assholes.

I am cranky, yet determined, and hopped up on vitamins, quinoa, broccoli, salmon and sweet potatoes – the resulting methane a major threat to the ozone layer. I even had to skip the little bastard's basketball game for fear the ref would call a personal foul. On me.

Day 2 of U Weight detoxification felt like a nasty hangover – a wicked headache, lethargy, bitchiness and a longing for fries with gravy – but apparently that means it's working. The toxins are exiting the all-night bender that is my body – but I am already planning a BYOB toxin party in my head. I'm inviting: olives, anchovies, soy sauce, dill pickles, jerk sauce and margaritas. I may not sprinkle salt liberally on my food, but these few days have proved I like life on the salty side.

According to pulp fiction, a housewife known as "Lot's wife" disobeys bossy angels by looking back whilst blowing town – and subsequently gets turned into a pillar of salt. My new theory is that Sodom, or God, or some fat angel, was on the U Weight Detox suffering from serious sodium and caffeine withdrawal. And, Mrs. Lot was a cheeky slut who deserved a name.

Yesterday I almost got down on all fours and licked the sidewalk.

The nice thing about U Weight is the support. I have emailed them several times with questions like, "Kahlua and low-fat soy milk... good?" and "Can I smoke the herbal tea?". The U Weight counsellors are kind, patient, and nuts about proper nutrition and the resulting healthy lifestyle. They also can't wait to get their hands on my kid with his beige food addiction.

The absolute worst fucking thing about being in self-inflicted detox – besides the frequent trips to the bathroom and the grocery store – was passing a new Southern-style BBQ joint on Barrington Street. My timing sucks. Bonehead's Smokehouse is everything a woman wants: Smokey BBQ Ribs, Pulled Pork and Brisket Sandwiches, homemade Mac and Cheese, hand-cut fries, sweet potato chips, pit beans, potato salad, and chili. Those bastards at Bonehhead's practically flung their doors open and waved a pulled pork sandwich at me, just as I was leaving Sodom for Veggieville.

I may not have looked back, but this broad can't wait to pull pork.


Boneheads is at 1014 Barrington Street, near the curve at Inglis. Dine in, or call for pick up: 407-4100. Boneheads is open from 11am-10pm Sunday through Thursday, and 11am-11pm Friday and Saturday.

Kick start your fat ass FREE! by clicking on: http://www.uweightloss.com/free-detox-cleanse.aspx