Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Make that bitter, and twisted.

This was going to be my final blog.

I spent a better part of yesterday in a funk that had nothing to do with my middle-aged spread, my dwindled bank account, or the amount of time I spend in a rink, instead of Tuscany.

My funk stemmed from a comment that arrived on my cyber doorstep before the morning paper or my first coffee. The comment came from a man and suggested, while my writing was okay, I seemed a tad, well, bitter.  


And that maybe I drank too much.  

Define, too much.

After my initial, "ya... so what, asshole" dismissive, I swung over to offensive mode, spewing bitter bile because it was, after all, 7:35 am on a school day, and I was on my third Mimosa. 

I then moved on to maudlin, as all bitter, drunk people do just before they drive their kids to school. I hated myself and thought, "He's right. Screw trying to be creative with my stupid blog. Who am I to think I could help small businesses, including my own, with a feeble attempt at self-depreciating humour." I guess you could say, I gave up.   

After a while, it dawned on me. Men don't usually seek out women who lean toward outspoken and comedic. It's a fact, backed by scientific research (and the large percentage of lonely women who laugh themselves to sleep). Most men want women to laugh at their jokes.

I started to rally the troops in my mind. I just had to. I thought of women (and men) who make me laugh out loud. My role models. My mentors. Even fictional characters, created by writers, who make my life a little lighter with a weekly running gag. My list began with:

Julia Louis Dreyfus's character, Christine in The New Adventures of the Old Christine. (Bitter single Mom, drinks too much, funny as hell.)

Christine Baranski's character, Marianne from Cybill. (Bitter, martini swilling, funny as hell.)

David Sedaris, writer (Bitter and twisted thanks to osmosis, or genetics. Funny as hell.)

Judy Gold, star of Mommy Queerest (Bitter and a lesbian, who cares if she drinks, she's 6'3" and funny as hell.)

Megan Mullally's character, Karen from Will & Grace (Bitter, lush, funny as hell.) 

Charlie Sheen's character, Charlie on Three and a Half Men (Bitter, alcoholic womanizer, funny as hell.)  

Holland Taylor's character as matriarch on Three and a Half Men (Bitter, boozer, funny as hell.) 

My list could go on and on, to include authors and friends, but I am too bitter and drunk to care. Instead, from now on, I'll change the tune of my blog to sober optimism. Here's how my days will read from my new, improved perspective. I hope you like it:

I awoke to a beautiful but grey, rain-soaked morning, the colour of wet cement. I was alone, but that's okay. I'm just happy to be alive, because every day is a precious gift. The basement was flooded but maybe I could make a wee frog pond or start an organic mushroom business. Look on the bright side I always say! I worked for a while – happily, for no pay, but I love what I do. Eventually,  I roused my beautiful boy who is such a morning person, and a joy to be around. I made him a homemade, nutritious breakfast and drove him to school on time. We chatted about Proust and iambic pentameter along the way, then he kissed me goodbye and said, "I love you, Mom... let's do some volunteering after school today!" Then, the dogs and I had a delightful walk in the park, and I love them so much I don't even mind bending over to pick up their excrement because sometimes it's the only exercise I get all week and I am grateful for it...

Oh, screw it. Men are assholes. Anybody have some Clamato?