Monday, November 2, 2009

Oh, that just stinks.

Birds were singing, the dog was puking, my head was pounding, and I had a foggy recollection of dancing – which would explain the bruises. Fuck. It must be November.

I had all the classic symptoms of wine flu, and Jack now has what I assume is swine flu, so he's stuck to the couch like an ingrown hair. He's a terrible liar and it's hard to fake a phlegm loogie flying across the room, so my guess is – he's sick.

While I've managed to dodge the over-hyped swine bullet, I am a full-blown pig – having eaten all of the comfort food I lovingly prepared (purchased) in an attempt to get the little bastard to eat.

Life just fucking stinks. Jack's Halloween loot bag lacked substance, my house is a "before" picture, my fat jeans are too tight, and I just got a little horny peeling the cellophane off of an English cucumber. It's been that long.

The good news is, I made the final 5 in Marketing's Creative Faceoff! The bad news is, some drunken cricket players must have made the rules, because apparently everyone has to vote again, making this the most boring democratic process since the Bush Gore Florida fiasco. I hate asking for help, unless of course my hair's stuck in your zipper.

So I'm giving shit away. Good shit. I'm calling it my November Stinks Contest and it's on right now until Friday the 13th of November. That's right, it's time to pay back everyone who voted once, twice, and now three times – with prizes and a chance to vent! The good folks at Surgically Clean Air have donated an amazing first prize (okay I slept with them once a long time ago but I must have been good). One lucky person could win a super dooper air purifying machine guaranteed to suck the foulness out of the black cloud that's hovering over November. Worth a shitload of money, the Respirade 200T is state-of the art and works on a 6-phase system designed to improve your quality of life by removing harmful toxins and pollutants from the air you breathe. Note: Improve quality of life. No typo. I figure with hockey bags and allergies and H1N1, this could make someone's life stink a whole lot less.

Second prize also guarantees to improve quality of life by getting you the hell out of town and tucked in for a night at White Point Beach Resort. It includes breakfast for two, just in case you pick up some total stranger at the Lodge after your fourth martini.

All you have to do is send in an email to and in 100 words or less (oh hell, write as much as you want) tell me why your life sucks and why November stinks and just let it all out. Bitch. Moan. Whine. Have a hissy fit. This is your chance for a literary colonic. Let the shit fly ladies and gentlemen. Get it off of your sagging chest.

The winners will be chosen by me, Cousin Sarah, and a box of wine. Now don't all go getting cancer or anything just to win the prize because that would just be stupid and may not even guarantee an automatic win. Plus I need you to vote. Again.

November really stinks. Let's rip the cellophane off and have a little fun with it.


Check out the Respirade 200T at Or go to for more information. Or click on the black box to the right.

Check out your night away from home at

Enter as often as you like at Contest ends at noon on November 13th. Winner will be announced on November 16th. White Point Gift certificate is valid until Dec 15th, 2009. Respirade 200T will be delivered to your home or office. Don't worry, your stink won't be published unless you want it to be.