Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Aloha. That's Hawaiian for "Welcome to Ballbuster".

Aloha! Aloha?

H1N1 boy caught my eye then bolted for cover.


I know it was likely her first day on the job, and life hadn't beaten her down yet, but "Aloha?!"

It was pissing November rain and gray as shit outside. We ran out to grab flu boy a video, because apparently he was going to survive H1N1, but could possibly die from boredom, that is, if I didn't get to him first.

He walked into the video store with strict instructions not to cough up a loogie or even look sick, lest they call the health department. Just grab your stupid movie and let's go. But, no such luck. As soon as we pushed the turnstile, the perky salesperson spun her head around, and greeted us with a cheery "Aloha!". It stopped me in my tracks. The poor thing was grinning like an idiot whacked out on Red Bull and her little brother's Ritalin. No one is that happy making minimum wage. In November. In Havenot.

Jack took one look at me and bolted. I saw him snickering in the XBox section. He had one eye on those big shoplifting mirrors that make you look all bloated and suspicious. Or at least I think it's the mirrors. Is it? Is it the mirrors or do I look like that?! Anyway, he was watching – waiting to see what I would do.

My mouth was all twitchy trying to keep my lips together, and my eyebrows were in a crazy arch that may never come down – I said,"Aloha?", then burst into hysterical, uncontrollable, crazy person laughter.

What the fuck. I am so far from ever being in Hawaii again it's not even funny, yet the Polynesian greeting hit me like a sucker punch line. I almost peed my pants right there in the popcorn aisle. It was all I could do to get out of there with the new GI Joe, and To Kill and Mockingbird.

Who am I kidding, he'll never finish the book.

That's what she was. A mockingbird. That fountain of youthful exuberance was mocking me with her cheery "Aloha!". I don't care what Atticus said – and as hot as Gregory Peck was – I wanted to kill the mockingbird. Actually, I wanted to run out of the store, throw my bathing suit in a bag and head for the airport before I sucked the life out of her chirpy, positive outlook with one hysterical glance. Honolulu here I come. I'd pick up a mu'u mu'u when I got there.

I am clearly losing it.

To think they are still trying to ban To Kill a Mockingbird in some high schools. It's okay to go to school with a tattoo exposed on your lower back that says "Ride this bitch" – but civil rights? Forget it.

I just dropped a frozen chicken nugget on the basement floor, wiped it on my shirt and threw it in the oven. Motherhood is all empowering.

I give up. November still stinks no matter how many of you have written in to say that life is beautiful, and I mustn't be so bitter, blah blah. Piss off. But, it seems there are a few of you out there who get it. Oh ya. I am not alone it seems. So keep sending your novemberstinks@yahoo.ca rants in, because you could win expensive, pollutant-free fresh air from www.surgicallycleanair.com, or a night at White Point – and have some fun doing it. Let it all out. Or, make it up, if your life's so bloody perfect.

Or go to Hawaii. Maritime Travel have a sweet package to the Sheraton Kauai that'll have you knee deep in paradise before my videos are due back.

Oh shit.

I just went to take the nuggets out of the oven and noticed they were still sitting on top of the stove, frozen solid, covered with cement dust and dog hair. Fuck.