Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I'll leave a trail of chips so I can find my way home.

There are two things I learned very quickly upon arriving in Havenot:

One should spit, and not swallow, the white stuff on the top of a donair. And, don't fuck with Remembrance Day.

As a result, I am pounding out a hasty note to let you know that ruffles are in. And I'm not talking the chips with r-r-r-ridges. I know this because I've spent the last few days running around trying on clothes that made me look like Babar's post-Celeste rebound alcoholic second wife.

You see, much like Peter and Joey in the 1970 classic, Goin' Down the Road, I am headin' to the centre of the universe to seek fame, fortune, and a free night at the Royal York, as a finalist in Marketing's Creative Face-off. While one critic hailed Goin' as "amusing but pathetic", I'd settle for a little amusement, a little room service, and the occasional trip to the pool via the mini bar. Pathetic perhaps – but just the satisfaction of wiping my ass on someone else's towels will seem like a luxury.

The brunch is on Friday, when they will finally announce the big winner. I am told there will be Mimosas, and I'll try not to embarrass myself as a representative of the maritimes, even though I am still considered from "away", even after 20 years and giving birth to my uncle's second cousin's stepbrother, who went to StFX and pronounces the letter H like "HAITCH".

I will not be wearing trendy ruffles, but may wind up with a few potato chips nestled in my bosom, should I take to drowning my creative sorrows in the hotel lobby bar, alone and bitter with disappointment. You see, even after catching a glimpse of myself bending over in a full- length mirror and the subsequent meltdown that had me slumped on the floor of the change room – I did manage to secure a ruffle-free frock for the ball – so that pressure is off. Hopefully I won't throw up, or spill my Mimosas, so I can return said frock for full store credit on Monday.

But wait! You can still vote for me. In fact, I'd love it if you would. Plus, there's still time to make a pledge for Danny Graham's piss poor excuse for a lip wax. And you have until noon on Friday (Toronto time) to send in your entry for the November Stinks contest. Remember – you could win Surgically Clean Air, or a night of wiping your ass on White Point towels – just for letting it all out.

Tomorrow though, is different. Tomorrow, I will keep my foul mouth shut for two minutes (didn't it used to be one minute?) and think of the brave men and women whose sacrifices changed history – and of those who continue to sacrifice in this current crazy war against crazy people, so very far from home. After all these years, I am still in awe of the military presence here. It all kind of makes my dwelling on ruffles and wrinkles and rolls seem awfully trite.

Peace. Love. Mini Bar.


Vote for me one last time at http://www.creativefaceoff.ca/gallery/
Make a pledge to Danny over on the right by clicking on Movember.
Send your November Stinks rant by email to: novemberstinks@yahoo.ca
Shop for really cute things that would look great on someone other than me at Biscuit General Store on Argyle Street in Halifax. www.biscuitgeneralstore.com