Saturday, May 21, 2011

Who am I to judge, but really.

Dear Mr. Camping,

Please find the attached receipt for $76.25. As you can see, it's dated for May 20, 2011, or Judgement Eve, as it's likely called in your house.

Stepping out for what was supposed to be the "last supper", we went big – opting for Bubba Ray's wings on a non-half-price wing night. As you will also note, we went big on the beverages, surrendering to the rapture of the over-served. Please also find the attached taxi receipt.

Also, Harold, please watch for a parcel heading your way via Canada Post (don't hold your last breath, because what are you, 104?). If it does indeed arrive before your own personal Judgement Day, please note the package contains a large stack of unpaid bills, mostly in brown, governmental-looking envelopes. Also, please note they are unopened, so beware of doomsday-sized paper cuts. I have also given the nice lady at Revenue Canada your phone number because, quite frankly, her persistence and lack of enlightenment is starting to piss me off.

Also arriving by courier is a load of horse shit. I think you left it by mistake, and please note, it will be arriving C.O.D.

Shame on you, Harold.

Judgement Day is finally here, and I jumped out of bed with such high hopes (and a touch of the whirlies) only to be slapped in the face with disappointment of Biblical proportions. It was like the Christmas I prayed for Santa to bring me a Chatty Cathy all over again. Instead of a talking blonde with a rip cord, I got that fucking ugly church lady of a Mrs. Beasely doll.

Judgement Day, my ass.

Oh, Mr. Camping had I known then, what I know now, I would have paid my taxes and waxed my unruly beaver. Had I know now, what I didn't know yesterday, I never would have ordered the split double-order of Jamaican Jerk and Suicide wings, washed down with a gallon of Blanc Table – working my way into the XL sweats with HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS written across the bum. Because of you, you ignorant prophet of doom, I am knee deep in unpaid bills and unwanted hair, worshipping the porcelain God. And he is very, very angry.

Oh, Mr. Camping. You are the guy who said he'd call and never did. You are the finger wagging poster boy of pea-brained piety, and likely an Oakland Raiders fan. You are the Sarah Palin of the Bible belt. You, you, you, are also laughing all the way to the Bank of the Holy Sepulchre to deposit the millions reaped from harvesting sheep.

Shame on you, Harold.

The good news is, today is happening. And, today marks the 21st birthday of Thornbloom. Yes, Harold, the optimistic leaders of the Havenotian house of interior worship are celebrating their 21st birthday, offering a generous 21% off everything until June 4th. By the looks of that tattered armchair from which you preach, you should probably go.

So, Mr. Camping, you're either having a really good chuckle right now, or, you are parked, head in hands – your boney old ass unloading a shit load of suicide wings into your porcelain holy grail. When you get a moment Harold, today, or maybe the glorious day after that, please reimburse me for expenses and suffering incurred while anticipating the end of the world as we know it.

And have a nice day.