Monday, April 12, 2010

The perfect face for radio.

I love Ruth Hubley.

Last week, when headlines around the globe trumpeted Tiger's attempt at crawling out of the gutter – our CBC "supper" time news was following the latest in a string of random coyote attacks.

Which brings me to Ruth Hubley – a woman brave enough to answer the door when CBC came a knockin' with an armload of stupid questions – looking to fill the 90 or so minutes before Coronation Street. Or as they call it: News at 5, 5:30 and 6 pm.

Not only did Ruth boldly swing open her aluminum front door and speak her mind about the coyotes (kill the bastards), she did so without a lick of makeup and a head full of foam curlers. I'm guessing it was Bingo night and Ruth said "to hell with it". Or she was expecting CBC radio. Either way, here's to you Ruth Hubley – I wish I had your self-esteem. I'd rather face a horny coyote hanging on to his nine iron, than stare down a angry camera that does not lie.

You can bet your ass I'll be in full makeup when I stare down the microphone at CBC Toronto in the sudden future. Armed with a pen – and hopefully a bit of wit – I'll face my opponents in the Eastern semi-finals of Canada Writes. Making an ass of myself on radio wasn't my plan as I rattled off a few snippets of prose and hit "send" repeatedly, one evening a few weeks back. I'm a slut for free stuff, but I should have read the fine print. All I saw was "win a new MacBook" and my fingers started stroking the keyboard. It seems writing is the sober equivalent of the drink and dials. Had I known I had to perform like a fat stripper on a pole, I would have kept my laptop shut.

My plan is to temporarily blow my new UWeight health kick, by draining the CBC coffers and the hotel mini bar, the evening before. That way, I'll be as sharp, and as confident as Ruth Hubley when they crank open the airwaves – LIVE – the morning after.

As for the coyotes, they've checked into rehab, claiming a sex addiction for their irrational, beast-like behaviour.

And Ruth Hubley – I hear she looked smokin' at Bingo.

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