Thursday, February 4, 2010

Misery loves company.

There was a man with an accent and size 15 feet in my attic yesterday. The fact that he is presently not still up there is a fucking miracle.

Much like the random coarse hairs and memory loss that have coincided with every cashier or waiter calling me M'am – willpower appears to have surfaced like a boil on my ass.

Mae West's ability to resist everything but temptation is something I can relate to. My life has been one calamity after another, largely due to my inability to say the words: No. Enough. Or – I'd better not. Instead, my mantra has always been: Life is short. What the hell. What have we got to lose. One more. No one's looking. Come on... it'll be fun. Run!

Whether I was jumping off cliffs in Maui or surfing down the highway on the top of a VW bus, consequences – along with common sense – were seldom top of mind.

But I lived.

Sadly, consequences – like cellulite – creep up, until one day you look back and catch a glimpse of your dimpled, Kathy Bates past in the mirror. The fallout from credit card abuse. The backlash from eating and drinking like Henry the 8th. The heartache from putting up barriers. The misery of tennis elbow from going at it with gusto and a bent right arm. (Take "going at it" however you wish.)

But back to willpower. The attic is miraculously man free. I am on Day 26 of U Weight despite salacious invitations for Lemon Drop martini gatherings, bottomless Valentine's chocolate from Uncommon Grounds, Pinky's hand-cut rink fries, or this weekend's, Warm Winter's Glow Headache and Ice Wine Fair at Blomidon Estates.

What's worse are the attacks from the homefront. Siren calls from devilish neighbours for "just one small glass of wine". Just one... you've got to live... aren't you thirsty?

And now, I must also resist temptation to head over the bridge, where I could gorge myself on warm, buttery, prosciutto and cheese crossiants at Two If By Sea Bakery and Café in Dartmouth. Two If By Sea Café embraces indulgence. Those inconsiderate pricks say so, right on their adorable, puppy-in-the-window cute website – which is as close as I am going to get to those fat flingers, until I can once again pull on the Levi's from my archive. But go ahead, fill your face with the croissant of the day and Zane's Machiato Special. You are eating and drinking for two.

Hey, if I can resist locking the size 15's up in the attic, I can do anything.

Visit Two If By Sea Café in person at 66 Ochterloney Street in Dartmouth, or order online at

Visit Blomidon's winemaker Simon Rafuse as he takes you from vine to wine for this year’s Icewine harvest. Feb 5 to 7th and 12-14th from 10 am to 5 pm in Canning. Complimentary admission. For more info call 1-877-582-7565 or check out