Warren Jeffs must be the happiest man alive. With a reported 50 or so wives, Valentine's Day must have been a bitch for the convicted polygamist and self-proclaimed prophet.Having a direct line to God, or an obsession with butt-ugly, flannel-clad women with Conan O'Brien hair, likely wouldn't help most men on February 14th – the most disappointment laden day of the year. Failure to launch the romance rocket is rampant with those whose knuckles still scrape the ground when it comes to knowing what a woman really wants.
Let's pretend for a moment that Valentine's Day was like the Superbowl, which happens to land the Sunday BEFORE Valentine's Day. From what I understand, most men already have a Superbowl game plan – one that likely includes: Other men. High-fat snacks. Cold beverages. A large, unobstructed, wide-screen television with Surround Sound. Back slapping. High five-ing. Buffalo wings. No interruptions, except during half-time, unless someone wearing a Dallas Cowgirl's uniform is performing. Farting. Spillage. Camaraderie. Skin-tight football jerseys from high school or college and the subsequent exposed spare tires affectionately named Bubba, or "Hey Honey, do you want a piece of this after the game."
My guess is most men think about Valentine's Day, uh, never – or, on the 15th, while lying in the doghouse holding the remote – or, when their other half calls to remind them that it is Valentines's Day, and "did you call your Mother?", at which point you are already screwed because restaurants are overflowing with happy gay couples, or couples whose wives made the reservations while you were scratching your balls watching Peyton Manning blow Drew Brees back into the girl's locker room.
Polyandry, for those who haven't heard the term, is much like polygamy, except polyandry is when a woman has multiple husbands. Funny how this never happens.
The folks at Uncommon Grounds and Sugah! must have messed up the occasional Valentine's Day, because they have made it fumble free. Yesterday, they delivered perfectly packaged, quality chocolate to my door, with a note that said: "Everything in moderation". Those sick bastards. Imagine, being faithful to one U Weight diet when six, virgin chocolate bars packaged to look like a dozen, perfect red roses appear. Milk & White Chocolate dusted with Maple Sugar. Milk and Dark Chocolate infused with Nova Scotian Sea Salt. Dark Chocolate with Coffee. And Dark Chocolate with Cayenne. Fuck. Wrap them in Little House on the Prairie calico flannel and Warren Jeffs would bust out of the Utah State Penitentiary.
The countdown to Superbowl Sunday is on. Think of all those little flags being thrown in the air as a gentle reminder, gentlemen.
halifaxbroad@gmail.com
Uncommon Grounds are located at 1030 South Park Street, 1801 Hollis St. at Duke facing Upper Water, and the corner of Sackville & Argyle (The Marriot Residence). www.coffeesoldhere.com
