Why was my tennis doubles partner following so closely behind me? One up-one back, or side to side is the rule – but she was all over me like Serena Williams on a line judge. Then came the ultimate a-ha! moment. I was playing singles. The thing flopping around behind me was my ass.
Enough with blaming metabolism, Christmas, New Year's, swine flu comfort food, stress, winter, middle age, rink fries, no time, money, or energy. My betrayer is myself. My stressed-out 2009 has nothing to do with the fact that it is 2010. Time to stop shoving bread and wine down my pie hole like it was the Last fucking Supper.
Serendipity found me and my ass hanging over the drink cooler at The Courtyard begging for a post-game Diet-Pepsi and face to face with a poster for U Weight Loss, a nutrition guidance program. It was a sign.
I said to myself – Self, U are a pig. U must do something. So I did. I start U's cleansing Kick Start 7-day Detox tomorrow – even after my initial conversation with their highly motivating staff went something like this: Can you have wine on the detox? No. Coffee? No. Chips? No. Popcorn with or without butter? No. Bread? No. Vodka? No. McFlurrys? No. McAnything? No.
Fuck.
No bread. No wine. For seven days and nights starting tomorrow, which just happens to be a Sunday. But this is Saturday night, my last night of freedom before the little bastard returns and unsuspectingly walks into Detox Mama Hell. Tonight, I am heading out to Mezza with the skinny bitches – who eat and drink like Sumo wrestlers – and never gain a pound. Tonight, I will break bread with my betrayer: My self. I also plan to drink her fat ass under the table.
I may even order the lamb.
The cross I am about to bear is a heavy son of a bitch, so being the merciless heathen that I am, I am taking you with me. Prepare thyself for a living hell.
halifaxbroad@gmail.com
Come along on the U Weight Detox journey with me, starting with a free DETOX kit.
Go online: http://www.uweightloss.com/free-detox-cleanse.aspx or call U Weight at 902.4318746, tell them I sent you. The clinic is located in Clayton Park, nestled between Nubody's for Fat Chicks and Princess Nails. How convenient.
Mezza is on Quinpool Road and has kick-ass Lebanese food served in a decadent atmosphere.
www.mezzarestaurant.com
