Oh my God try this.No thanks.
No, really. Just taste it.
No thank you. I'm not hungry.
Who cares, it's homemade for chrissakes.
I'm not hungry.
What does hunger have to do with it... it's fucking chocolate covered peanut brittle?
I'm not hungry. No one eats when they're not hungry.
Oh yes they most certainly do you little turd. How do you think those fat asses on that Biggest Loser show you watch got to be 356 pounds.
Exactly.
And with that, the little bastard just walked away, all skin and bone leaving me with half a decorative plate of holiday treats and a big fat load of guilty pleasure.
So begins the portion of the festive season we can safely call, bingeing.
Holiday baking for me would be a last-minute trip south to an all-inclusive. I lean toward salty and savoury, and the little bastard leans toward Wagon Wheels and anything beige smothered in Swiss Chalet gravy. But when the meals on wheels arrive at our door in the form of holiday sweets for shut ins, I tuck into it like a diabetic sliding into a coma.
This week I ate the icing off two cupcakes, 12 rum balls, the aforementioned peanut brittle, a box of pistachio baklava that was better than sex, and 47 shortbreads.
And, while it's nice to have things on hand for when guests drop in, that's why God invented alcohol and Cheesies. And stollen.
Okay I confess I had no idea what stollen was until enlightened by Laura at Julien's Bakery. I did a little research to find the original holiday fruit cake/bread was fashioned to mirror a swaddled, colic-ridden baby Jesus by the good folks who invented the Holocaust – but nevermind – today it is a heavyweight of sheer deliciousness sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Julien's also flog gorgeous, handmade dark and milk chocolates with orange peel, or ginger, or who cares if there's a fucking bandaid in there, it's chocolate! While you are there, pick up plum pudding, real gingerbread men, Bûche de Noël and fruitcake you'd actually want to eat – then pass it all off as homemade.
Sure, it's loaded with sugar and butter and freakishly coloured cherries, but nothing says Christmas like sticking your finger down your throat.
Try it!
halifaxbroad@gmail.com
Julien's Bakery is in the Hydrostone Market on Young Street in Halifax and also in downtown Chester, and also at the Saturday morning Farmer's Market in Halifax. Call ahead to avoid the inevitable disappointment that comes with the holidays. 455.9717
