Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Extremely playful and lively, with an aroma that is inclined to leap out of the glass with the slightest provocation. And claw your eyes out.

One evening, at a friend's beautiful red brick farmhouse in Ontario, I found myself saying, "Tom, your cow just peed on the carpet in the living room." Not a sentence you hear everyday, but there was indeed a cow in the living room, and it was urinating. This is not a fabricated story.  
Similarly, yesterday I found myself in the NSLC forming the same kind of odd sentence. I asked the young girl at the checkout if they carried a wine that had cat pee in the name. "Oh", she chirped, "you mean, Cat Pee on a Gooseberry Bush". That's the one. I had caught the tail end (no pun intended) of a CNN news clip about this particular wine, and I wanted to see if it indeed existed. And it does. So I bought it. With a label like that, who wouldn't. Besides, they claim profits help support the SPCA. Maybe they can afford to have more cats put down.  

Imagine if all labeling and advertising was that honest. Think of the billions of dollars saved by consumers if a car was called "Piece of Lemon-Flavoured Japanese Shit". Or, if a $90 teaspoon of face cream was called, "Face It Lady You Are Old and Poly Filla Couldn't Smooth Out Those Wrinkles".

How about, "Extra Small Condoms Because Your Jack Russell Terrier Has a Bigger Penis". 

Or, "Yes, These Jeans Will Make Your Ass Look Fat."   

How about millions and millions worth of election promises with labels like "Free Tuition If You Sell Your Soul and Perform Rectal Exams in Ecum Secum for Five Years."  

Or, "17 More Parking Spaces That For Now, We'll Call Hospital Beds."

Or, here's a good one from the Green party. "                     ". 

Ronald, er, Rodney McDonald's label of the day is a real head scratcher. It's called, "Five Hundred Dollar Tax Credit To Get Out of Bed and Volunteer to Burn to Death Because I Just Noticed The HRM is So Darn Big the Fire Trucks Can't Afford the Gas To Get To Musquodoboit." 

Hey, maybe his $500 platform is doable compared to the $78.9 milllllllion dollar price tag on Darrell's bottle of rose-scented horse shit. And is Steve McKneel getting a student loan to pay for all that tuition? 

Fat Man. Tall Guy. Fiddler. Kid. You guys playing Have-Not Province Monopoly, or what? Who's the Banker? I am so confused. I thought everyone was pulling down Rodney's skirt because he was taking us into debt. Wait a minute... am I being mislead?!

For heaven's sake fellas, let's start calling a spade a spade, instead of a "Metal Object Designed to Lower Taxes and Fling Shit With Such Precision That it Lands in the Form of an X on a Ballot". 

I'm not buyin' any of it. Pass the Cat Pee.