Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ken... or G.I. Joe?

Barbie, Barbie, Barbie. Still perky, high maintenance and standing on your tippy toes after all these years. I must say she looks good for 50, even though rumour has it the ol' doll's been to see Dr. Louis Boileau more than a few times. But hey – no kids, no job, no sleepless nights worrying about having to sell the Barbie Camper to pay the mortgage. Heck I'd be a 39-21-33 too if I were in her freakishly small, and likely bunion-riddled shoes. But enough about Barbie. I want to talk about Ken.

Remember Ken? Hair issues. Painted, then fuzzy. Then the 70's and that bad sideburn phase. And the Malibu days... after all that sun, he likely looks like Brad Pitt at the beginning of Benjamin Button. Ken was the only guy I ever knew who had a matching terry-lined jacket for his bathing suit. Whatever happened to the original metro-sexual, after Barbie kicked him to the curb.... for G.I. Joe.

Oh come on, don't pretend you didn't know! Don't look the other way like you never snuck into your brother's room and borrowed G.I Joe so he and Barbie could burn a little plastic. Just look at the guy... six-pack abs, manly combat gear, non-committal, big hands, great kisser. G.I. Joe treated Barbie like crap and NEVER called. Sigh. He was the perfect man.

Or was he?

Ken never missed the anniversary of your first kiss. Your parents LOVED him. (Well, your mom more than your dad.) Ken had a trust fund. A fashion sense. A college education. Ken never showed up drunk for dinner wearing a skin-tight white t-shirt and army pants. Ken was reliable. Ken loved kids. Ken brought your mother flowers. And, what Mattel deprived Ken of "down there" he made up for being double-jointed. But Ken was nice. The ultimate kiss of death.

So, Barbie? Do you think about Ken and Joe when you're cruising around town in your VW Barbie convertible? Are you lonely? Do you ever have too many glasses of Chardonnay and call them, then hang up? Last I heard, Ken was happy, running a B&B with Skipper's brother down in Provincetown. And Joe, he fell off the radar after an unsuccessful attempt at settling down with Midge's cousin. Hit the drink pretty badly, they say.

Too bad. Ken and G.I. Joe were great guys... so flexible, and so forgiving when you ripped their heads off.

(Guys and Dolls, who was on the couch more in your Barbie Dream House... Ken, or Joe? Ken and Joe? Ken with Joe? Barbie and Midge?)